Obnixious Jokes

I have ranted about this before so those who know me well may have heard this already. One of the most horrible things in society is when one makes a joke, loudly laughs at own joke, and takes said joke several steps further in concept without the consent of the listener. I'm sure you have heard this happen before but you may not be sure exactly what I mean. Here are a few examples of what it may sound like:

Farceur: And the starfish said ' How about you just have some crumpets!'
Listener: oh, nice ha.
Farcuer: BLawhahahahshegghzehehe.
Listener:hm hmm heh.
Farceur: No It's like ' some crumpets elk grass!'
Listener: heh
Farceur: hahahahhehe. Haha. Heh. and then he carjacks an elephant!
Listener: Nah.
Comic: Because there was a rooster on the other side!
Listener: haha.
Comic: hahahahahah, And then he jumped in a volcano!
Listener: (hesitantly) Eh, heh.
Comic: And it ate a nuclear bomb!
Listener: Uh, nope not at all, stop right there.
Wisecracker: And then he jumped out of the bushes and said ' Wheres my Rolex!?'
Listener: yeah heh.
Wisecracker hah, no, how about: haha, I don't heh, maybe one lawyer said to, heh the other...
Listener: Bye.

Price Cuts

I have noticed that almost every product I ever see in a store has an apparently reduced price. Another thing I've observed is that the original price was so high that I doubt it was ever sold for that much. I assume that most of the time the discount prices are the actual value of the product. It usually looks something like this:

Jeans

Original Price: 34.99

You Pay: 29.99

CD

Suggested Retail Price: 14.99

Your Price:12.99

But retailers are overlooking one major asset; They fail to recognize the full potential of this technique, but instead make very small discounts on the price tags. If I were to run a business I think I might just take this idea a step further and to every item in the store do something like this:

Shades

Original Price: $8.99

Your Price $1.99

Bag of Chips

Suggested Price: $12.99

You Pay: $1.99

Couch

Original Price: $3999.99

Only $499.99

This would not only make customers feel like they were getting a great deal, it would also allow me to charge more money on the final price while still keeping it much lower than the original price.

The Benefits of having Large numbers of Children

With all the conflict going on about large families I figured I would at last release my long awaited opinion. With all the toil and sacrifice that comes from a large family there is equal or greater benefits which I will explain here.

Household Benefits:

Sometimes people obtain puppies while overlooking the fact that they will soon grow very large, expensive and destructive. While animals are often depreciating in value, children are the opposite as we will see in the next paragraph. Instead of getting old and gross, toddlers yield the "cute" period and then increase in value. Th older children get, the more independent they get. In addition they can perform increasingly useful tasks to make up for the younger kids. This factor ultimately makes raising children more efficient in bulk.

Financial Benefits:

You may find it ironic to think that there are financial benefits to raising large families, but It's true. Little children may be expensive and quite a hassle at first but it's important to remember that each one is a little insurance policy to be reaped later. Also, once children get to a certain point they can provide small (but not fiat) bailouts from time to time.

In addition to these progressive ideas, there's always the reasons you've heard before like feeling the love of family unity and all that great stuff.

Chunky or Creamy?

For a long time now, the heated Peanut Butter Crusade has been going on, and today I'll be taking a logical approach to find which one is better. Firstly, creamy has a smooth, uniform texture which is why people favor it over crunchy, however this makes it 100% made up of the synthetic, processed "Butter" portion. Creamy lacks any actual "Peanuts" while Crunchy harbors the Butter portion along with real peanuts. Next is a contest of Authenticity. Peanut butter can be compared to other food in general in that it is considered more genuine when in a solid state. Creamy peanut butter closely resembles astronaut carrot paste while Crunchy is the equivalent of steak and potatoes. People often forget the very fundamental principle of Food Abstracta, being that the virtue of an abstract food is relative to how close it is to the original food base. Thus we see that while the best name a manufacturer can think of for a food is "Fruit Drink Product" or "Creamy Peanut Butter" the food is obviously synthetic and therefore in a crude and unhealthy state. If a food can boast a name such as "Crunchy peanut butter", or "Fresh Organic Vegetables" then it is at or near the original state of the original food and is therefore more genuine. Any one who thinks their theory can best mine, go ahead and step up, but don't forget your notes and references.

MP3 Etiquette

Lately I have been seeing some horrific things regarding MP3 etiquette, but since you have likely never been taught these principles, I will go over it now. There is a common misconception among teens that people who listen to MP3 players in public, or on social occasions are called cool. In reality, these people are called "MP3 monster baby losers". I find it absurd that some people think this is acceptable during events such as family reunions, church meetings, or at school. There are two categories of this offense, the first being less serious and in fact optional includes listening on occasions such as while walking between classes at school. This may not be directly offensive, but it is always totally unnecessary and wasteful. The second and greater offense is, of course listening during talks, lectures, or at social events where there are other human beings to interact with. I have often been accused of being reclusive and shy due to my homeschooling, but then I turn around and see "normal" people listening to MP3s around other people! There are times when this is acceptable however, such as at the gym, or when specifically showing a friend a song.

Another disturbing trend is listening to music at excessively high volume levels or without adequate sound insulation. You may enjoy listening to your music loud, but other people don't want to hear it. In fact, unless their musical preferences are similar, or yours are perfect, they might well find it annoying or offensive.

I will conclude by saying that I have often been accused of listening to radical music, but you will never see me forcing it on other people through mindless, selfish tune mongering. Furthermore, you will never find me in a million years ignoring other people or defiling the MP3 by listening at inappropriate times.

Pets in Relation to Money

In the past I have heard many stories about trips to the vet which were more expensive than the original pet. I know many will object to this, but that just doesn't seem logical. I can understand to a degree, based on the emotionally attachment to the animal, but spending more than three or four times the cost of the creature seems odd. In fact, there are times when it becomes more economical not even to feed pets. Thats right, to simply let it starve before buying a new one costs less money than the food, vaccinations, toys, recreational facilities, spas, wardrobe, etc. While this opinion may seem cruel, I admit I would sooner pay money to keep my current guitar instead of buying a new one.

Why I Am Homeschooled

If I had to sum up why I am homeschooled in a simple phrase it would be something like this: Because homeschooling is creamy, rich and has a good aftertaste. Quite likely, you're feeling like I've left you hanging. Such a simple explanation could only be snide. My education is being brewed in a way that's unconventional; actually it is only so when one bears in mind exclusively the last 150 years, but not if one considers the history of the world .

The lush, foamy texture of my erudition comes from the freedom of a flexible schedule and the beffitting structure of assignments. When those who are not of my educational background inquire as to this subject, I often see them quiver with effort to refrain from lashing out in open jealousy.

The flavor of my schooling is brought about by high quality ingredients. Being enrolled in a thing as bureaucratic as public school is like a musical career using an instrument produced with countless others on a highly regulated conveyor belt; and no, don't tell me that it works fine. In public school, political correctness is an anti-integration hinderence, and frankly, I see no reason to be without whatever weapons I see fit during study.

Finally, the taste that lingers after indulgence is far more saturating in the world of socialization than in oral consumption, and for it to be pleasing, is the the most intricate of luxuries. To be encompassed with company of good nature and active spirits (as often occurs with one who is homeschooled) is much more satisfying than to not.

I hope you have found this information useful, and I beg you to ask yourself again wether or not any arguments you may have are indeed relevant, given the information herein. Also I might add that Ralph Wiggum is in fact public schooled, and the picture was uploaded with the utmost sarcasm.

A Fancy Darth Vader suit

Recently I became aware of the ultimate authentic edition Darth Vader costume. When I saw how real it looked that was the beginning of a long chain of events that would eventually lead to me having my own authentic supreme edition studio mold cast Darth Vader outfit. After a long and gruelling month on Ebay and various internet sites, I finally acquired one for $650 including shipping. The suit retails for around $750 and I think it lost about $150 of value once I opened the box. To further analyze and document my insanity I have compiled this list:


Things I could have bought with the money:

*Craftsman 6.75 Torque Rating 21 in. 3-n-1 Deck Rear Bag Push Lawn Mower with High Wheels- 2 1/2 units.

*Smokey Mountain Knife Works Battleaxe with studded wooden handle-30 units.

*Airheads Bars-6000 units.

* Jolly Ranchers-7680 units.

*Plastic sword or bat-600 units.

*Squier Stratocaster Electric guitar-6 units

*Doritos Large size bag-240 units

Bogus marketing.

Last week I rushed into the house to cook my recently aquirred Totino's pizza. Like an ancient hunter returing home to his wife after a prime catch I threw it in the oven and fetched a plate. It finished cooking before long although it seemed like hours to me at the time. I began eating my Totino with nearly frenzied zeal and even though it burned my throat, the overall stimuli detection was quite positive due to the taste, so I kept eating. I noticed the box sitting on the table and so I flipped it around and began reading the back. I was delighted with a lovely article about the Totino family and how they started a pizza business from near scratch and were overwhelmed with demand for their phenominal homeade recipe. This wonderful family created a pizza empire and now that very recipe was in front of me. "Totino's takes the same pride in delivering quality product to you today that Rose and Jim took with their pizzas over 50 years ago" it read. Touching right? I certainly thought so. Taking another bite I glanced over to the ingredients list.

ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, FERROUS SULFATE, THIAMIN MONONITRATE, RIBOFLAVIN, FOLIC ACID), WATER, MOZZARELLA CHEESE SUBSTITUTE, (WATER, PARTIALLY HYDRONATED SOYBEAN OIL, RENNET CASEIN, POTATO STARCH, VITAL WHEAT GLUTEN, SODIUM ALUMINUM PHOSPHATE, SALT, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, CITRIC ACID, POTASSIUM SORBATE, [PRESERVATIVE], SODIUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM CITRATE, TITANIUM DIOXIDE [ARTIFICIAL COLOR], MALTODEXTRINE, MAGNESIUM OXIDE, ZINC OXIDE, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, RIBOFLAVIN VITAMIN B 12) TOMATO PUREE (WATER, TOMATO PASTE), COOKED SAUSAGE PIZZA TOPPING (SAUSAGE MADE WITH PORK AND CHICKEN [PORK MECHANICALLY SEPERATED CHICKEN, SALT, SPICE, NATURAL FLAVOR] TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN [SOY FLOUR, CARAMEL COLOR], WATER SODIUM PHOSPHATE, PARTIALLY HYDRONATED SOYBEAN OIL), PARTIALLY HYDRONATED SOYBEAN OIL, CANADIAN STYLE BACON WITH WATER ADDED CHUNKED AND AND FORMED INLCUDES SIRLOIN HIPS, (CURED WITH WATER, SALT, SUGAR, SODIUM PHOSPHATE, NATURAL SMOKE FLAVOR, SODIUM ERYTHORBATE, SODIUM NITRATE ), PEPPERONI PIZZZA TOPPING (PEPPERONI MADE WITH PORK CHICKEN AND BEEF [PORK, MECHANICALLY SEPERATED CHICKEN, BEEF, SALT, SPICE DEXTROSE, OLEORESIM OF PAPRIKA, SODIUM ASCORBATE, GARLIC POWDER, SOUDIUM NITRATE, LACTIC ACID STARTER CULTURE, BHA AND BHT, AND CITRIC ACID ADDED TO PROTECT FLAVOR], WATER, SOY PROTEIN ISLOATE), REHYDRATED PASTURIZED PROCESS NONFAT MOZZARELLA CHEESE, (WATER, NONFAT MILK, CHEESE CULTURES, SALT, ENZYMES, CITRIC ACID, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, VITAMIN B6, SODIUM ALUMINUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM CITRATE, SODIUM PHOSPHATE), SUGAR, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, SALT, DRY YEAST, DEFATTED SOY FLOUR, DEXTROSE, SPICE, MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM BICARBONATE, REHYDRATED ENZYME MODIFED CHEESE (WATER, MILK, CHEESE CULTURES, SALT, ENZYMES), BEET POWDER, MALTODEXTRIN, XANTHAN GUM, CITRIC ACID, MALIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVOR, SORBITAN MONOSTEERATE, ASCORBIC ACID.

Lagrima y Costel

Let me start out by saying that the veiws expressed here are not meant to be racist in any way and I know that tradidtional Mexican culture is way more classy than Lagrim y Costel.

With that being said let's begin. Legrima y Costel is a TV show on channel 24. The show features two clowns named Legrima and Costel. Basically this show is the biggest cross-dressing pie smashing trash fest on earth. If I had to describe the show in one sentence it would be Spanish Jerry Springer. A few examples of the activities on the show are: putting tape on a blindfolded person's face and inviting a guest to play the guitar while being shoved. I don't know enough spanish to tell what they're saying but i'm sure it's something like: "haha! Costel see? Delightful! Your mask fell off on that last piggy-back ride! Yes Lagrima now let's start the next entertainment! No Costel they dropped out at the last minute remember? Ok, then three lucky members of the audience will now chase ballons while we hit you with foam weapons." The entire show looks literally like it was produced by a bunch of three-year-olds with cameras and bad taste.