Friday, February 8, 2008

Church Pet Peeves (Lds church)


There are several behaviors constantly found in church that I will adress here. Im sure you've noticed these at least subliminally, but I think it's time for me to set in stone what is indeed not ok to say in church. It's difficult not to step over the line of sacrilage, but i'm sure you'll understand what I mean.

Firstly testimony meeting. This is a time to share a BREIF BUT HEARTFELT testimony. This is not a time to recite your travel log of the past month nor is it story time. I also recommend that you dont yell (at least very loud) or condemn stereotypes that are sitting in the congregation. Your testimony needn't be dripping with sophistry, but it's best not to hit the microphone or put your mouth on it while mumbling loudly and yes, I have experienced all of these.

Prayers. When you pray, no matter how hard it is, just try to finish all your words and refrain from saying things like "please bless that everyone could be here."
"Nourish and strengthen our bodies." You knew it was coming; this phrase lives on and is dreaded by vain repetition opposers all over Utah. Never say this around me! If the food is brownies or a similiar item then "we ackowledge that this meal will make us fat, but be that as it may, please bless us to savour the good taste of this desert" is much more appropriate.

Our final realm is that of talks. I have compiled all the pre-talk excuses into one to save time. There is a comon misconception that a temporary +3 bonus will be added to one's charisma level if one says something such as " well five minutes ago I woke up and remembered that bishop assigned me his talk so I prepared it in the shower. You see two weeks ago when I first recieved the assignment I tried to kill myself but that didn't work and he didn't believe that I would be out of town on that date so bear with me." But in fact this causes many people in the congregation to cringe. I have some advice for any youth speakers: PLEASE donot even attempt to make jokes.



QUIZ


1. Is it ok to discuss with your ward upcoming family anniversaries?



2.Is it a good idea to explain you childrens' social status?



3. In The Little Mermaid what did flounder initialy see in the shipreck that freaked him out? I don't get it.



4.Is it ok to say a prayer in public less than five seconds long?



5.How about touching the Grinch with a '40 pole?

6 comments:

Beckalita said...

That's funny! I'm so relieved to finally know the proper protocol for blessing brownies. Could you just bless them to NOT make you fat? Welcome to the world of blogging!

carmen said...

Hahahaha!!!
I know what you mean!

Der Grexxie said...

When my son Remi was a preschooler he complained about testimony meeting one day. He said "Is this the Sunday where we have to go to church and watch people cry and keep saying 'I came here today to bury my dignity.'" We about lost it since bearing testimony and burying dignity do have certain similarities.

Weston and Emily Ricks said...

I finally figured out why mormons say "nourish and strengthen" and wehre it comes from. Check out 1 Nephi 17:3.

Chantry G. said...

Hehe... I must argue that repetition is for our benefit. :) In the scriptures, in church lessons, and, yes, in the prayers, repetition is used to drill it into our small brains. Whatever is being repeated, just might be important, though vain repetition, as you stated here, is not of any use. :)

Kirk Rogers said...

Flounder saw a skull in the ship.