Monday, July 27, 2009

Obnixious Jokes

I have ranted about this before so those who know me well may have heard this already. One of the most horrible things in society is when one makes a joke, loudly laughs at own joke, and takes said joke several steps further in concept without the consent of the listener. I'm sure you have heard this happen before but you may not be sure exactly what I mean. Here are a few examples of what it may sound like:

Farceur: And the starfish said ' How about you just have some crumpets!'
Listener: oh, nice ha.
Farcuer: BLawhahahahshegghzehehe.
Listener:hm hmm heh.
Farceur: No It's like ' some crumpets elk grass!'
Listener: heh
Farceur: hahahahhehe. Haha. Heh. and then he carjacks an elephant!
Listener: Nah.
Comic: Because there was a rooster on the other side!
Listener: haha.
Comic: hahahahahah, And then he jumped in a volcano!
Listener: (hesitantly) Eh, heh.
Comic: And it ate a nuclear bomb!
Listener: Uh, nope not at all, stop right there.
Wisecracker: And then he jumped out of the bushes and said ' Wheres my Rolex!?'
Listener: yeah heh.
Wisecracker hah, no, how about: haha, I don't heh, maybe one lawyer said to, heh the other...
Listener: Bye.

Price Cuts

I have noticed that almost every product I ever see in a store has an apparently reduced price. Another thing I've observed is that the original price was so high that I doubt it was ever sold for that much. I assume that most of the time the discount prices are the actual value of the product. It usually looks something like this:
Jeans
Original Price: 34.99
You Pay: 29.99

CD
Suggested Retail Price: 14.99
Your Price:12.99

But retailers are overlooking one major asset; They fail to recognize the full potential of this technique, but instead make very small discounts on the price tags. If I were to run a business I think I might just take this idea a step further and to every item in the store do something like this:

Shades
Original Price: $8.99
Your Price $1.99

Bag of Chips
Suggested Price: $12.99
You Pay: $1.99

Couch
Original Price: $3999.99
Only $499.99
This would not only make customers feel like they were getting a great deal, it would also allow me to charge more money on the final price while still keeping it much lower than the original price.

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Benefits of having Large numbers of Children






With all the conflict going on about large families I figured I would at last release my long awaited opinion. With all the toil and sacrifice that comes from a large family there is equal or greater benefits which I will explain here.

Household Benefits:

Sometimes people obtain puppies while overlooking the fact that they will soon grow very large, expensive and destructive. While animals are often depreciating in value, children are the opposite as we will see in the next paragraph. Instead of getting old and gross, toddlers yield the "cute" period and then increase in value. Th older children get, the more independent they get. In addition they can perform increasingly useful tasks to make up for the younger kids. This factor ultimately makes raising children more efficient in bulk.

Financial Benefits:

You may find it ironic to think that there are financial benefits to raising larMinimizege families, but It's true. Little children may be expensive and quite a hassle at first but it's important to remember that each one is a little insurance policy to be reaped later. Also, once children get to a certain point they can provide small (but not fiat) bailouts from time to time.

In addition to these progressive ideas, there's always the reasons you've heard before like feeling the love of family unity and all that great stuff.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Chunky or Creamy?


For a long time now, the heated Peanut Butter Crusade has been going on, and today I'll be taking a logical approach to find which one is better. Firstly, creamy has a smooth, uniform texture which is why people favor it over crunchy, however this makes it 100% made up of the synthetic, processed "Butter" portion. Creamy lacks any actual "Peanuts" while Crunchy harbors the Butter portion along with real peanuts. Next is a contest of Authenticity. Peanut butter can be compared to other food in general in that it is considered more genuine when in a solid state. Creamy peanut butter closely resembles astronaut carrot paste while Crunchy is the equivalent of steak and potatoes. People often forget the very fundamental principle of Food Abstracta, being that the virtue of an abstract food is relative to how close it is to the original food base. Thus we see that while the best name a manufacturer can think of for a food is "Fruit Drink Product" or "Creamy Peanut Butter" the food is obviously synthetic and therefore in a crude and unhealthy state. If a food can boast a name such as "Crunchy peanut butter", or "Fresh Organic Vegetables" then it is at or near the original state of the original food and is therefore more genuine. Any one who thinks their theory can best mine, go ahead and step up, but don't forget your notes and references.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

MP3 Etiquette


Lately I have been seeing some horrific things regarding MP3 etiquette, but since you have likely never been taught these principles, I will go over it now. There is a common misconception among teens that people who listen to MP3 players in public, or on social occasions are called cool. In reality, these people are called "MP3 monster baby losers". I find it absurd that some people think this is acceptable during events such as family reunions, church meetings, or at school. There are two categories of this offense, the first being less serious and in fact optional includes listening on occasions such as while walking between classes at school. This may not be directly offensive, but it is always totally unnecessary and wasteful. The second and greater offense is, of course listening during talks, lectures, or at social events where there are other human beings to interact with. I have often been accused of being reclusive and shy due to my homeschooling, but then I turn around and see "normal" people listening to MP3s around other people! There are times when this is acceptable however, such as at the gym, or when specifically showing a friend a song.

Another disturbing trend is listening to music at excessively high volume levels or without adequate sound insulation. You may enjoy listening to your music loud, but other people don't want to hear it. In fact, unless their musical preferences are similar, or yours are perfect, they might well find it annoying or offensive.

I will conclude by saying that I have often been accused of listening to radical music, but you will never see me forcing it on other people through mindless, selfish tune mongering. Furthermore, you will never find me in a million years ignoring other people or defiling the MP3 by listening at inappropriate times.